Blog Number Two ...

Humm…… Not sure where to start.  I know that I need to write another blog entry, and I know what I need to write about, but I’m not sure I want to.  There was a very real reason that I haven’t made a second blog entry in the past month and a half.  I was very excited to “blog” on a regular basis, not because I felt that I really had anything enlightened to say, but rather that maybe other people on this same journey could identify with me, and visa versa.  The reason that I haven’t made a second entry, was that I was scared that I had messed up, and that maybe this journey had come to a screeching halt before it really ever started.  I was scared that if I talked about the “hiccup” in the process that maybe it would not be able to be fixed.  Not only was I going to lose my little girl, but because I had “over-shared” our plans, I was going to have to tell a million people that I messed up, and wasn’t adopting her after all.  I was scared to say that it was my fault, because I try so hard to do everything right, and messing up is simply not tolerated. 

So what did I do so wrong....?  I completely bombed our 3^rd (and supposedly final) home study meeting.  I won’t get into the details, but let’s just say that as I watched the conversation spiral out of control, I burst into tears, and the social worker said that we couldn’t proceed with the home study until my husband and I met with a marriage counselor a few times.   The floor fell out beneath me.  I bawled for about 6 hours and then finally went to bed.  The next day I called 6 marriage counselors, and the first to call me back was actually my initial first choice.  She had an opening 3 days later….. longest 3 days ever!  I needed to get this fixed.  I needed to fix this before anyone found out.  I needed to keep on my time line, because time is critical when your child is stuck on the other side of the world, without you.  I wasn’t going to fail her before I even had the chance to hold her.  I couldn’t let her suffer because I messed up.  I would fix this!

Fast forward six weeks.  It has been fixed.  I think.  Our social worked just left, after what was now the final home study meeting.  She seemed happy.  She said that we were good.  She said that because we so eagerly agreed to meet with a marriage counselor and work through what she saw our issues to be, that she was comfortable with us again.  I hope.  I still won’t breathe easy until the home study is actually written up. 

So now I blog.  I hope no one else has to identify with this.  I do have to sincerely thank whomever it was on Facebook that pointed out marriage counselors are not a bad thing.  It those first days between “the incident” and the first marriage counselor meeting, I simply asked on the RR Facebook page if anyone’s social workers had suggested marriage counseling.  Thankfully, all the comments were positive and helpful, even if no one really knew the reason I was asking.  You were right, marriage counselors are great!  She was wonderful.  In hind sight, this “hiccup” was probably one of the better things to happen in our marriage.  Well, maybe that’s a stretch, but it wasn’t nearly the worst thing.  We are back on track.  I don’t think it effected our time line.  My munchkin will still be mine!  I hope…