Shooting Stars

               My nephew passed away yesterday.  Connor was 14 and the eldest of my brother’s 6 kiddos.  He was also the first/oldest grandchild of both my parents and my sister-in-laws parents.   Connor was a shooting star.  Born with septo-optic dysplasia, Connor had more than his fair share challenges.  The hardest part about his passing, was that it was sudden, unexpected, and seemingly unrelated to his medical conditions.  In the midst of coming to terms with this new reality without Connor, I find myself thinking about “why” we are so looking forward to the addition of our new munchkin.  I doubt that I really need to explain it to most of the people reading this blog, but I think I may need to explain it to myself? If that makes sense?

                When I first went public with our adoption, I had a number of “why would you do this?” questions posed by both friends and family.  Why would you put so much time and effort into bringing a child into your family, who you already know has so many challenges?   I didn’t have a perfectly choreographed answer in place at that time, but as I became less defensive, I was more able to explain why.  At this point in time, this is my answer:  In a purely selfish way, I want my world to be a better place.  Special people make the world a better place, and I want that in my life.   

               Clearly that’s not the only reason we are adopting.  Obviously, there’s the biological need to be maternal.  There’s also the fact that a beautiful little girl is sitting in a crib in an orphanage, desperately needing a family.   In addition, there’s the logic that my step-daughter with Down Syndrome will have a little sister who shares some of her challenges, and with whom she can face the world together.   But, the selfish part is that I want what other parents of special needs kids have.  I want to value the little things more.  I want to be forced to slow down and just breathe.  I want to know that my child makes a difference in the world, not because she will become a brain surgeon, but because she will inspire other people’s children to become brain surgeons. 

                We live in an era when science has become so advanced that early detection of many disabilities prevents them from presenting in the way that they did, even 50 years ago.  We also live in a time when “no child left behind” assures that ALL children are allowed and encourage to excel to the best of their ability.  It’s a strange intersection that results in less people being born with disabilities into a world that encourages those with disabilities to be able to reach goals never before considered attainable.  It’s a weird contradiction?  As a society, we are far more excepting of the people that we are far more likely to prevent from existing?   Why do we do this?  Why?  No seriously, I’m asking, why?

                There are a couple things I do know:  Connor made all the people around him better human beings.  Connor loved juice.  Connor loved pop songs, but HATED the “Happy Birthday” song.  Connor will be truly and honestly missed by more people than he even knew.  I love you Buddy!  I’m sorry that your newest cousin won’t get to know you, but you will always be remembered!  You did a great job living your life.  Like a shooting star, you stood out from the rest and we will love you forever!

Blog Number Two ...

Humm…… Not sure where to start.  I know that I need to write another blog entry, and I know what I need to write about, but I’m not sure I want to.  There was a very real reason that I haven’t made a second blog entry in the past month and a half.  I was very excited to “blog” on a regular basis, not because I felt that I really had anything enlightened to say, but rather that maybe other people on this same journey could identify with me, and visa versa.  The reason that I haven’t made a second entry, was that I was scared that I had messed up, and that maybe this journey had come to a screeching halt before it really ever started.  I was scared that if I talked about the “hiccup” in the process that maybe it would not be able to be fixed.  Not only was I going to lose my little girl, but because I had “over-shared” our plans, I was going to have to tell a million people that I messed up, and wasn’t adopting her after all.  I was scared to say that it was my fault, because I try so hard to do everything right, and messing up is simply not tolerated. 

So what did I do so wrong....?  I completely bombed our 3^rd (and supposedly final) home study meeting.  I won’t get into the details, but let’s just say that as I watched the conversation spiral out of control, I burst into tears, and the social worker said that we couldn’t proceed with the home study until my husband and I met with a marriage counselor a few times.   The floor fell out beneath me.  I bawled for about 6 hours and then finally went to bed.  The next day I called 6 marriage counselors, and the first to call me back was actually my initial first choice.  She had an opening 3 days later….. longest 3 days ever!  I needed to get this fixed.  I needed to fix this before anyone found out.  I needed to keep on my time line, because time is critical when your child is stuck on the other side of the world, without you.  I wasn’t going to fail her before I even had the chance to hold her.  I couldn’t let her suffer because I messed up.  I would fix this!

Fast forward six weeks.  It has been fixed.  I think.  Our social worked just left, after what was now the final home study meeting.  She seemed happy.  She said that we were good.  She said that because we so eagerly agreed to meet with a marriage counselor and work through what she saw our issues to be, that she was comfortable with us again.  I hope.  I still won’t breathe easy until the home study is actually written up. 

So now I blog.  I hope no one else has to identify with this.  I do have to sincerely thank whomever it was on Facebook that pointed out marriage counselors are not a bad thing.  It those first days between “the incident” and the first marriage counselor meeting, I simply asked on the RR Facebook page if anyone’s social workers had suggested marriage counseling.  Thankfully, all the comments were positive and helpful, even if no one really knew the reason I was asking.  You were right, marriage counselors are great!  She was wonderful.  In hind sight, this “hiccup” was probably one of the better things to happen in our marriage.  Well, maybe that’s a stretch, but it wasn’t nearly the worst thing.  We are back on track.  I don’t think it effected our time line.  My munchkin will still be mine!  I hope…